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Eufrat: Euphuistically, a euphoriant European (Own her soul for a mere 50¢!)

There’s something ominous about Erro’s guarantee on his website, “I will give you my model’s souls.” I’ve heard that Eastern European women come cheap, but, damn. Little did I know that for a mere $19.99 for thirty days and $14.99 per month thereafter I could be in possession of the souls of numerous naked girls. If the site is really updated daily, that means I get at least thirty a month; that’s just fifty cents a soul after the first month. Really, that’s probably even a better deal than the devil gets. I can collect souls by just sitting on my ass and clicking on a few hyperlinks, he has to go and talk to people and make them sign binding contracts and all that fucking shit. Who wants to deal with that jibba-jabba for a lousy soul?

I’m not really sure I’m up for soul collecting at this point in my life, though. I just want to look at pretty girls’ garbage, I don’t want to have the responsibility for their eternal souls. I can’t even keep a houseplant alive, let alone the spiritual essence of some Eastern European hotty. I’d probably be the first person in the history of the universe (all 6000 years of it) to let an “eternal” soul perish forever. Quite frankly, my own is sitting in the corner in a puddle of its own filth crying itself to sleep; I couldn’t deal with dozens of them in my apartment doing the same. If I did start collecting them, I would probably just pull a Milhouse and trade them in for Alf pogs, anyway. That’s not really good for anyone (except the comic book guy, I guess).

Oh, hey! Be sure to check out Eufrat’s picture set, seeing as how it’s a free set and all. I don’t think you get full possession of her soul because it’s not the full set, but I’m assuming you get a part of her soul for free. It might be like her soul’s gizzards, beak, spleen or some crap like that, but it’s fucking free!

Marketa: A fruit-filled pastry, not literally, but figuratively, but sort of literally, too

According to Hegre-Art’s website, “[Marketa] did things with cherries that will linger on the memory and make this lush summer fruit taste sweeter every time we slip one into our mouth.” With the pictures at hand, it’s hard to tell exactly what she did with the cherries that were so fanfuckingtastic, but if I had to make a wager, I bet she made everyone kolaches. Why kolaches, you ask. Simply because this Czech/Slovakian dish is apparently so damned good, they have festivals featuring it. To me it looks like what us Yanks call a “danish”, except poofier, but I’ve never heard of a festival dedicated to danishes so kolaches must be a bajillion times better.

Maybe it’s because I’m getting on in the years, but if a fetching lass like Marketa made me a delicious cherry-filled pastry that was a million times better than the best Entenmann’s danish I’ve ever had, I’d probably have very fond memories of the fruit as well. I would savor the memory of halcyon summer days when it was given; remembering the gentle warmth of the air, the delicate sweetness of a homemade kolach, and the kinder moments of life. All the little things that make life good would be bound together in one warm, sweet hazy memory of a simple act done by a sweet, charming girl that would stave off the harsh passing of time, and would be a burning coal in my winter years. I, too, would think of how sweet and good life can be whenever I put a cherry into my mouth.

These memories, these gentle memories, would be made all that much better, though, if she rubbed the cherries all over her naked body beforehand with the juices dripping down over and into her naughties, and the pulp clinging to her young, nubile flesh; it would be totally fucking H-A-W-T, hawwwt. These memories would be the hot-ass naked chick in the sack in the winter of my years, and who needs coals when you have that?

Katie Fey: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

Sometimes I imagine that Katie Jenya Shawnee Fey is that girl in that “I wish these were brains” picture. It’s not because I want to fuck the shit out of her in an outhouse (though that is part of it), but because she really seems kind of stupid. Not stupid as in not knowing how to calculate the volume of a donut using calculus, but stupid as in wearing a deer costume in a forest during hunting season kind of stupid. In this set, officially titled Ready for War, Katie Shawnee Jenya Fey is dressed in her “Going to War Outfit™” which consists of a camouflage camisole and black panties with pink lacing. As you can see, she’s almost invisible hiding in that white curtain, and should she encounter any shrapnel or enemy fire, the highly protective gear that she’s wearing will surely stop it. Granted, she is smart enough to have her tits out so as to make her opponents gawk, but as far as I can tell she wouldn’t be able to take advantage of that and would try pose her enemy to death – the stupid dummy. I hope she knows the funniest joke in the world, because she’s not going to kill anyone by giving them a hard-on. (Unless that boner caused internal hemorrhaging, in which case, her cunning strategy might work. Maybe.)

Nastya Girl: Cleaning in the nude does not make for cleaner nudes. For seriously.

There’s a fallacy that girls clean better than guys, and it really irks me. Girls totally suck at cleaning. Take Nastya “The Resurrection” Girl here, for example. She hardly washes three square feet of the floor before the devil overtakes her, and she starts, for some odd reason, taking her clothes off. I sincerely doubt there is an advantage to cleaning the floor naked. In fact, all it really does is increase the chance of stray pubic hairs all over the floor. Let me just say there is nothing sanitary, or sexy for that matter, about stray pubes on the floor, I don’t care whose they are. Furthermore, if cleaning gets her sexually aroused, I don’t want puddles of her girl-juices all over the house. It would be like walking into cat puke; fucking disgusting. There is just no reason for this sort of random nudity. None. And every time I see pictures of girls cleaning, they always take their clothes off (and then they usually roll around in their own filth! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!?). I assume there’s just some genetic code that makes them do this, it’s like they’re marking their territory with their smell or something. I have never seen a guy involve himself in such despicable behavior (but, really, I’ve never actually seen a guy clean, but that’s besides the point). All in all, Nastya Girl (and all girls, truthfully) should be ashamed of her atrocious house-keeping habits. I can tell you, with all honesty, I would never walk around in her house with bare feet; I’d end up with enough cootch-hairs and girl-juice on the soles of my feet that a blind man would probably try to fuck them, and that’s just not cool. Sure guys may not clean as often as girls, but never do they do things to increase the pubic hair to square footage of floor ratio. Girls clean better than guys? Pah, I say. Pah!

Some video clips of Nastya Girl shaking her garbage to music if you’re into that sort of thing. (Freaks.)

Zoe: Girls don’t sweat, they “glow” and Zoe is glowing like a supernova on crack

In this set Zoe poses harder than any model has ever posed before. Believe it or not, Zoe, taking a cue from Dustin Hoffman in the The Marathon Man, ran around a track, naked, before each shot the photographer took to get that utra-sweaty look that she has going on. She is what they call a “method model”. Oh, she could have easily have been sprayed down with water, but spray bottles are for pussies and Zoe is no pussy. Look at her, she totally wants to kick your ass just for looking at her pictures, and there is something irrevocably hot about girls that want to kick your ass while naked and sweaty. In any case, Zoe works hard for the money, so hard for it honey, so you better treat her right.

Crissy Moran: (On ballerinas, boudoir nudes, hair, and horses asses)

Everyone knows who Degas was; you see his ballerina paintings everywhere and is often lumped in with the Impressionists, because that’s who his drinking buddies were. The thing is, though, an Impressionist he wasn’t. Line and form were his main formal concerns; color and the force of it on the eye was mostly incidental in his work until he started to go blind. Like the stigma of Impressionism, the ballerina drawings overshadow a good portion of his work, and because of the “pretty” subject matter, masks his underlying intentions. Two of his major themes that occupied a good portion of his career and are more indicative of his thematic intentions were horse races and boudoir nudes. Though they seem unrelated, he treated them in very similar ways.

Photography was a recent development and was influential in the works of Degas and his contemporaries. Muybridge’s photographic studies of animal motion were particularly influential to Degas. The horse races, which I think were his first mature works (which is to say when the influence of Ingres began to loosen up) and were steeped heavily in Muybridge. They are about the power and beauty of the animals, but more importantly, they are about motion and the perceived capturing of the spontaneous moment, much like how the camera was able to capture a split second and hold it frozen. It was these two things are the thread that holds his work together thematically.

If you’re only familiar with Degas by way of the ballerina drawings, you might be wondering how this relates to naked girls. Well, Degas was an infamous misogynist insofar as he condemned women artist as inferior (aside from Mary Cassat, that is), and his portrayal of women, though popular amongst women currently, was closely linked to his portrayal of horses. He treated the subject of women as coldly as he did horses – they were merely a vehicle for portraying action. The ballerinas he’s so famously associated with were just animals being trained and being put into motion much like the horses were. His detached treatment of the female form was carried further in his nudes.

A simple google image search for Degas nudes reveals the detachment that he had towards the female form. These drawings are not about the woman as a person, they are about the woman as an animal in motion, be they washing in a basin or combing their hair. They are about the actions a woman makes, not about how sexy she is. They are, perhaps, some of the least erotic figurative nudes (outside of high school surrealism) that were ever created. Someone, though I can’t quite recall who, went so far as to point out that Degas treated his nudes as he did horses; they are nothing but creatures with manes and asses.

Speaking of manes and asses, Crissy Moran has got hair and ass about twenty bajillion times sexier than anything Degas ever painted. Not only that, but she’s got better boobies, too, so do yourself a favour and take a look at her set!

Jessica “D”: Singing wop bop a doo dop fishnet stockings

For an item that has a certain fetishistic quality to it, fishnet stockings apparently don’t have much history to them. Stockings, in general, have a long history and a fiercely devoted sub-culture, and you can find plenty of sites featuring pictures of women (and men for that matter) in a multitude of styles, each with its particular devotees. Despite that devotion, it seems no one has managed to write many articles on the ol’ interwebs detailing the history of their favorite variety; the most I could find were articles detailing hosiery in general. With Jessica wearing pink fishnets (the choice of the fashionable slut) in this set, I went looking for a bit to write about, but only found a couple of rather limp articles here and here, neither of which is very specific about fishnets, mentioning only that patterned stockings, including the diamond, were popular in the late 50’s through the 60’s. Coincidentally, Madonna, who popularized fishnets in the 80’s, was also born in the late 50’s – the 1850’s! (Haha, get it? Madonna is teh old! …I got nuthin’.)

Heather Vandeven: Making your bathroom sexier than it’s ever been

Is there anything sexier than girls wanting to get down and dirty in the oddest of places, including the bathroom? I’ll tell you what, proper bathroom sanitation is totally sexier and totally underrated. I’m pretty sure that unless you’ve been living in 1994 for the last twelve years, you’ve read various studies on how, when you flush the toilet, fecal matter is ejected into the air and covers everything like a fine morning mist. You also might have read studies showing that cleaning does not necessarily kill germs, and that single-men’s abodes are often less contaminated because they don’t clean as often and stir up germs. Well, if “cleaning” ironically makes things dirtier because you’re stirring up all the filth, how can we properly sanitize our bathrooms and make them thrice as sexy as before? UV lights are the ultimate in bathroom sexiness. With these hot-ass looking pieces of equipment, you can kill that fecal fog in no time quick. Not only do they come in a range of sexy industrial-style fixtures, but fucking in the bathroom without the fear of a mist of shit makes it all that much better. I bet that they can even eradicate up to 5% of the filth found in Paris Hilton’s vagina (getting rid of even 10% is like asking god to give you a 24″ penis). Anyway, I have it on good word that the lighting used for this shoot with Heather Vandeven was industrial strength UV lighting, so rest assured, her hawt-ass trash is not covered in a fine layer of crap, and there is nothing sexier than the knowledge that a hot naked chick is not covered in shit. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)

Devyn and Kersti: Titted twosome takes timeout to touch and taste their tight twats

It’s a funny word, twat. It’s a distinctive sounding word in the world of slang for genitalia in that it doesn’t seem related to most forms of slang for “vagina”. Pussy seems to be a clear descendent of the latin pudenda ([parts] to be ashamed of) and/or the Irish pus (lips or mouth). Cunt has an apparently long and interesting history, but it makes sense in the realm of slang in its gutturalness. That “kuh” sound, it’s a rough and dirty word coming from your throat like you’re clearing out phlegm, and it’s very fitting that way. Twat, however, it seems almost too onomatopoetic to be slang if it weren’t used as such so often. “Tw” words, in fact, seem to be used for “cuter” words in the English language: tweet, twiddle, twinkle, twee, even tweezer and twine don’t have much “bite” to them. Where, then, does twat come from? A fairly thorough etymology of twat reveals that it was used since at least 1660, “Vanity of Vanities 50 They talk’t of his having a Cardinalls Hat, They’d send him as soon an Old Nuns Twat”, which in this usage did mean vagina. In 1727 it was defined as pudendum muliebre – shameful womanly parts. In 1841 it took a very odd turn when Robert Browning used the term in Pippa Passes when he wrote the line “Cowls and twats” in reference to what monks and nuns wear, mistaking the 1727 usage as a term for part of a nun’s attire. Apparently twat has also been confused as to mean “pregnant goldfish”. The origins of twat, however, remain vague, but I do know now that it’s a fairly old word. After some consideration, I guess that in the firmament of slang it does have a place alongside pussy; neither a very harsh sounding word in of itself, but they both have a bit of an unnerving effect in that they are “cute” words to describe something generally thought of as vulgar. In any case, Devyn and Kersti, two twee sweeties, twaddle their twats, tweek their tits, and tweet with a twinkle in their eyes; check them out.

Jitka Branich: Sand in the vaseline in the eyes

Ever wonder what it’s like sit in a dark box and look at a naked girl through a vaseline smeared window? If so, here’s your chance! That’s right, your dream of seeing the world (and boobies, for that matter) through the gentle haze of petroleum jelly can now be fulfilled to your heart’s content. Actually, I’m not 100% sure that whoever the photographer of these pictures was used vaseline on a filter to create the soft focus effects, but every time I see soft focus pictures I can’t see beyond the pictures being soft focus. Aside from associating it with 70’s and 80’s glamour photography, I always end up picturing some guy smearing shit on a filter and it ruins everything for me. Technique is like stage magic, once you know what the trick is, you can’t see beyond the trick even if the magician is putting on the show of a lifetime, and it’s worse when the trick involves vaseline and it’s being put on something that doesn’t have tits. But, hey, if you have thing for vaseline in your eyes, this set, featuring Jitka Branich, should be the vaseline-smeared apple of your eyes!