There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours.

Kyla Cole shows you just what you need

Sorry for the Donnie Darko reference, but seriously, beer and pussy is all I need.

Kayden Kross’s Kreamy Kootch

Kayden Kross (AKA Jenna Nickol) does a set for Twistys.com.

Iveta: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Iveta spreads her junk out.

Hannah Hilton: Like the other Hiltons, she is being totally hospitable (but with more boobages)

Maybe I just haven’t given enough thought about the Hilton name, but it’s actually pretty appropriate for girls like Paris and Hannah here. I can’t say that I’ve ever stayed at a Hilton hotel so my opinions about the chain are uninformed, but the rent-a-room/hospitality business seems analogous with nude models and cum-dumpsters. For the right price you can have an attractive, comfortable place to put your “things” for a while, but you never really know what stains the nooks and crannies of the rented space. I’m not saying that you can just go out and leave your luggage inside of Paris or Hannah Hilton on your whim, as it’s a pretty loose analogy at best, but I am saying that having a name associated with rentals is like having a sign on your ass that reads “leave your junk here”.

Click here for video clips of Hannah Hilton

Sandee Westgate: Like a Hostess Twinky, she’s good even when she’s gone bad

Apparently Sandee Westgate is known as a Playboy model gone bad. I wasn’t aware that Playboy models were, in fact, good to begin with, but I guess this shows the unfettered limits of my ignorance. After looking at these photos and trying to determine how to tell if a Playboy model has gone “bad” by sight (after all, porn isn’t a produce section where you get to thump the melons and squeeze the tomatoes in person), I have decided that they’re a lot like Twinkies. Normally they’re just a delicious golden brown piece of snack cake goodness with just a hint of the creamy deliciousness hidden inside. If the openings on its underside have opened up just slightly, revealing a little more sweet, sweet cream filling, it may or may not be bad; sort of a toss-up at this point. If you can see a pink coloration around the openings and it’s oozing cream, it’s most likely gone bad. If it sticks to and mingles cream with its fellow twinkies, it’s definitely gone bad. And, lastly, if you see a penis penetrating it or if there’s a visible coating of semen, it’s definitely gone all the way totally bad to the max. Regardless of their “badness”, however, they’re still delicious snack cakes ready to be eaten by the dozen, you just have to watch out for the ones with the semen stains (unless you’re into that sort of thing).