Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree?

Uma Oils Up

And spreads out.

Oh Zuzana! Don’t you cry for me…

Zuzana spreads it wide. By “it”, I do mean her vagina.

Monika: Perfomance art or hawt-ass smut? You decide.

Some things that people have done as performance art amaze me. Chris Burden had someone shoot him in the arm, crawled through a street of broken glass, was crucified on a VW Bug, and put live electrical wires to his chest. Granted, the picture from Doorway to Heaven is quite beautiful, but the man was seriously insane. Joseph Beuys was obsessed with felt and fat (which is understandable as it was those things that helped keep him alive after his plane was shot down in 1944) and in I Like America and America Likes Me he wrapped himself up in felt and spent five days in a gallery with a coyote. Last, but not least is Annie Sprinkle, former prostitute and porn actress turned performance artist turned sex educator, who, among her performances, did one titled Public Cervix Announcement in which she had audience members inspect her cervix with a speculum and and a flashlight. This, of course, finally brings me to “Monika” who apparently is a fan of Sprinkle’s. In this set she lets the camera inspect her cervix with a speculum and flashlight as well as (I am assuming) having milk injected into her pussy and then spewing it out. Now, I am not going to speculate on her intent (as to whether or not she knew she was ripping off Sprinkle, and I doubt it was her idea to have milk injected into her pussy), but there is something sort of poetic about milk being ejected from vaginas. In any case, it becomes sort of a fine line between smut and art, and probably the only way you can tell if it’s either is how guilty you feel after jacking off to it; rule of thumb: the dirtier you feel after jacking off to it, the more arty it was.

Mel: Kissable grits and semi-obscure references

I can’t think of the name “Mel” and not think of the show Alice. Maybe it’s shown on TV Land still, but I don’t know. I do know that this show ashamedly featured prominently in my childhood. It was a staple of afternoon UHF syndication. I’m sure most people rightly don’t remember it, but fuck it all to hell, you can kiss my grits. Anyway, in this set, Mel (not played by Vic Tayback, thankfully) opens up her grits and dips all manners of things in it.

Vanessa: Onyx-locked lass obtains luscious orgasm

In a world where danger lurks in every crevice, a young woman seeks to release the herself into a new world of pleasure. Watch as Vanessa braves the unknown dangers of her vagina. See her plunge into the darkness of her womanhood. Witness as she probes her inner depths looking for something that was never lost. Ugh. Anyway, Vanessa fucks her clean-shaven pussy with a purple dildo. (I promise no more faux-movie trailer narrations ever again, really.)

Jenny “M”: Your pussy is not your mouth, Jenny

Open letter to Ms. Jenny “M”:

Dear Ms. “M” (if I may call you so),

I recently had an opportunity view some pictures, “screencaps” as they call them, of a video you made. Let me say that I find you to be quite an attractive young lady, and, though I did not see you act in a moving video, I sense that you must have great skills. One thing I find strange, though, Ms. “M”, is that you seem to not know the difference between your mouth and your vagina. You insert a cucumber into your vagina, how odd is that? It is common knowledge that cucumbers are a vegetable for oral consumption and cannot be digested properly inside your reproductive system. Also, I know that you must have a sweet-tooth, because you like whipped cream, but once again you cannot taste the sweetness of the cream with your clitoris (unless your vagina has senses that I am not aware of). Anyway, I am merely concerned that you have an affliction preventing you from differentiating your vaginal and oral cavities. I dare not speculate how this may have happened, but I want to make sure that you are aware of this “problem” and take the proper measures taking care of it.

Yours Truly,

TittyFix.com

Simona: Pussy like an easy bake oven

Simona plays with her pussy like it’s a brand new easy bake oven. She inspects it, see’s how it works, and once she knows it’s good to go she starts “baking” with it. She starts off with what was given to her – her fingers in this case. Once she grows tired of that, as anyone tires of the pre-packaged mixes that come with easy bakes, she starts experimenting with what she has around. She puts all sorts of stuff inside of it to see what else she can do with it. Of course you don’t just put stuff inside, you have to taste it once it comes out, and Simona does exactly this. She finds that because she did it herself, it tastes all that much better. I’m not sure if she ever got a little cupcake out of her pussy, but I wouldn’t doubt it.

Celeste Star: Why clever names aren’t always sexy (to me, anyway)

Some models use stage names that are clever plays on words like Celeste Star here. It seems a fairly obvious play on the word “celestial” and “star,” and, yes, it does invoke certain pleasing imagery. My problem, and I may be the only one with this problem, is that I make really random associations based on the flimsiest of contexts. Because of the way Ms. Celeste Star’s name is constructed, I can’t but help think of another “Star,” so to speak. In this case the Star happens to be from 1982, and its name was Sinistar. You might shaking your head thinking that I am an idiot, and you’re probably right. Let me tell you that this game freaked me out in a weird way. The voices that said to you “Beware, I live!” and “Run Coward” were kind of fucking awesome in it’s time, and it kind of creeped me out. And I sucked at this game, and I mean I sucked. I don’t know how many times Sinistar threatened and then killed me without a single bit of pixellated remorse. Now, when I’m looking at boobies the last thing I want on my mind is some fucked up video game character saying to me “Beware, I live” in a creepy-ass voice; it’s just not sexy. Anway, here are some Celeste Star photos featuring Celeste, a divan, her tits, and her spread-open pussy.

Katy: Magician or just a slut?

I have to wonder if neon-pink fishnets are in every porn actresses’ wardrobe, or maybe they all know each other and the same pair of fishnets have been making the rounds in every other goddamned shoot. I sure hope that the latter is not the case, because that’s just fucking disgusting. Anyway, I like how these porn shoots really aim to entertain like David Copperfield: “Watch as Katy makes an entire bunch of bananas disappear right before your eyes!” Oi. Looking at these pictures, I almost picture Katy saying “Watch me pull a rabbit out of my pussy!” And everyone replies together: “Again? Awww that trick never works”…

Cora: Trizzash opens her gizzash

There are certain aesthetics to trash, mind you. Take Cora here: platinum blonde, neon pink skirt, and neon pink fishnets to boot; trash at it’s finest. From the get go you know she’s going to be giving all she can to get you to cum as fast as you can. She won’t withhold anything from you. The last thing she wants you to do is think of her as a person. She wants you think to think of her as the hottest pussy you’ve ever laid eyes on. She will do anything to get you to think of nothing but how your dick would feel inside her, and that she (being a pussy and not a person) is going to love it. And you know what? There is a beauty to that. Maybe not a mysterious thing like the Mona Lisa, but what the fuck? Who ever got a boner from looking at the Mona Lisa?