Sticks, and stones may break our bones, but the titties give us boners.

Ulya: The “V” on Her Crotch Stands for “Vagina”, Just in Case You Forgot What Her Thingy is Called

Met-Art has officially run out of titles! This set is called, simply, “Erotik”.

Olga K & Maiya A: Don’t fish with me, cause you’re fishin’ with fire

In a set titled “Prometeus”, Olga and Maiya screw around some fishing nets. I don’t know what fishing and Prometheus, the giver of fire to mankind, have to do with each other, really, but I guess if I really wanted to make an argument, it would be that fire is representative of what the Greeks called “technos” – art. Not art in the bare naked lady sense (though true in this case) but art as in the craft – building things and and shit like that. Fishing is, I suppose, a type of technology, and so the set title is a melding of the modern and old Greek meaning of the word “art.” However, what the set title really brings to mind for me is poor Prometheus chained up to a mountainside having his guts eaten for eternity, which, quite honestly, doesn’t really do much to turn me on. If that sort of thing does turn you on, though, go ahead and email me and I’ll draw in some vultures eating Olga’s and Maiya’s livers for a very reasonable price.

Yelle: Yellow is the colour of my true love’s hair in the morning (and the women trapped in the walls)

I’m not quite sure what the deal is with Yelle and photographers, but every time I come across one of her sets it seems to always be yellow/gold themed (like her previous golden shower themed set). I assume the photographers think they’re being cute by the word play of Yelle and yellow, but I guess if I came across a person named Excorcistvomitgreen my first instinct would be bathe them in pea-soup, so I’m not one to talk.

Now, it’s fine and good that Yelle is photographed in a yellow room; it’s a handsome looking set, but whenever I see prominently yellow walls I tend to think about The Yellow Wallpaper which isn’t exactly the sexiest story ever written. To dissuade my myself from this tendency, I asked the interweb what the deal is with yellow rooms. Pantone, “where color (and $300 books of tiny color swatches that graphic designers are suckered into buying) come from”, says yellow reminds us of the sun and it’s the color of energy and life. Thanks a fucking lot, Pantone, for that shit-colored (Pantone 4485 U) piece of information. A more informative site about interior colors tells us that yellow causes more eye fatigue than any other color, makes people lose their temper, causes babies to cry, but yet somehow makes people happy at the same time. In other words, it makes people crazy. I guess Charlotte Gillman was right, and I’ll have to continue avoiding people with yellow rooms in their homes.

On the upside, with these pictures of Yelle at hand, I can finally replace the creepiness from Gillman’s story with something pleasant. Instead of batshit-crazy old women crawling around on all fours in the walls of yellow rooms, I can now picture batshit-crazy naked, young women crawling around on all fours. Thank you, Met-Art and Rylsky, for finally curing me of that feminist claptrap!

Jessica “D”: Singing wop bop a doo dop fishnet stockings

For an item that has a certain fetishistic quality to it, fishnet stockings apparently don’t have much history to them. Stockings, in general, have a long history and a fiercely devoted sub-culture, and you can find plenty of sites featuring pictures of women (and men for that matter) in a multitude of styles, each with its particular devotees. Despite that devotion, it seems no one has managed to write many articles on the ol’ interwebs detailing the history of their favorite variety; the most I could find were articles detailing hosiery in general. With Jessica wearing pink fishnets (the choice of the fashionable slut) in this set, I went looking for a bit to write about, but only found a couple of rather limp articles here and here, neither of which is very specific about fishnets, mentioning only that patterned stockings, including the diamond, were popular in the late 50’s through the 60’s. Coincidentally, Madonna, who popularized fishnets in the 80’s, was also born in the late 50’s – the 1850’s! (Haha, get it? Madonna is teh old! …I got nuthin’.)

Jade: Congealed white goop on a naked woman, is there anything hawter?

I love Met-Art’s titles for their sets. They put out a metric ton of porn, and to title each set something unique would be pretty hard, and so I belive that the guy(s) responsible for titling the sets just use the first thing that comes to mind that sounds sort of “poetic” (even if it’s not a real word). For this set featuring the beautiful Jade pouring what appears to be curdled milk all over herself, they titled it “Effex”. I wasn’t familiar with this word, and after searching the internet for a definition the situation hasn’t changed; “effex” just seems to be a “cool” way of spelling “effects”. I’m not quite sure what the “effex” in question are. What I feel is my strongest theory is that though met-art is trying to remain artsy-softcore, they wanted to cash in on cum-shot-crazy guys, and this is the furthest they’re willing to push things, because if they wanted to do a shot with dairy-cream all over Jade, I doubt they would use cream that’s begun to turn to cheese, because, really, that’s just fucking gross. The only real reason to use congealed goop on a naked woman in photos is to simulate cum. With that, I would have liked to have seen the word “Jizm” (because it’s just as “poetic” as say “effex”) in the typical romantic type that they use for titles with a small “(psyche)” underneath, because at least I’d be sure what to fantasize what the shit all over Jade’s body was supposed to be, instead of thinking that Jade is one fuxored girl who gets turned on by the smell of sour milk.

Eva “G”: A woman is like a radiator; the mostest beautasticest metaphor evar

I think it was Robert Frost who once said “In the winter of man’s heart, nothing brings warmth like that of woman.” He was obviously referring to this set which so aptly compares Eva (a woman) and a radiator (a radiator). I say this because nothing brings warmth to my freezing apartment in winter like my radiator, and thus a woman is a like radiator. Let us examine the ways in which this is true:

• They both keep you warm
• They are both convenient places to put your beer
• They both keep you up at night with their constant klanking
• They both drip water when they get really hot
• They are both a series of tubes
• They make the same sound hissing sound when they’re letting off steam
• They have hard to clean crevices
• You want one for every room in your living space
• You dress both of them up as Optimus Prime and call them “Master”
• They are both mouthpieces of Satan and make you steal things for them
• … and the mere sight of either one naked makes you want to put your penis inside of it

The conundrum of this set is I don’t know what turns me on more, Eva or the radiator, because they both look teh hawt.

Geki: There’s just no place for a street fighting (wo)man

On the interwebs the most common result for the term “geki” is in relation to jidai-geki (侍劇), which is the term for a Japanese period drama, most often samurai films. Geki does not look like she’s the type to be going around cutting people open with awesometastic arterial spurts going on around her, nor does she look like the type to play some poor girl in a whorehouse. I guess if broken down to “geki,” which means drama by itself, it does carry a certain weight to it, but “Drama” seems a retarded name to give to someone. The other result was just the wikipedia page for a character from the original Street Fighter game, Geki. Again, she looks nothing like a ninja. I might be wrong, because looks are often deceiving, but she doesn’t look like she can take on Ryu and his Sheng-Long at all; heck, she doesn’t even look like she can take on Dan for chrissakes. Despite that, I think Geki would look über hot dressed as a ninja, but that’s probably just me. We’ll see what comes of my email to Met-Art requesting that Geki do this, though. In any case, “Geki” can up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a me any day. (I know it’s a Konami code for a Capcom game, so fuck off.)

Iveta: Water, water all around, and god bless naked chicks in it

I think Met-Art is just making words up these days. This set featuring Iveta is titled “Zelios.” I can’t find a damned thing about the word anywhere on any of the internets. Maybe it’s on the the Russian internet, or maybe even it’s even on your personal internet, but it’s not on any of the ones I am on. I am assuming it’s related to the greek/latin “zel-”, meaning ardor, fervor, jealousy, etc., and the Greek suffix “-ios”, which apparently means something like “child of.” So together it makes a word meaning something like “child of ardor/jealousy.” “Zelios” might also be related to “Zelig,” meaning a person able to change their appearance or behavior to be comfortable in any sitaution. Either way, I don’t see what either of these have to do with a naked chick in an oversized bath tub. I guess it could be worse; they could have titled the set “Bathe.”

Lissa: Dreams of the sexiest kind

“Rigin,” the photographer of this set, apparently has dreams very similar to mine – dressing up girls in potato sacks. Oh yeah, there is nothing sexier than the coarse grain of burlap covering up the deliciousness of a girl. It makes me think that she’s my own personal baked potato to butter up, put sour cream on, and liberally cover with chives. I’d go into how I’d save the skin for last with a little salt, but that’s going a little too far. Fear not, Lissa is naked in most of the set (and does not appear officially in this awesome costume but I have them here and here), and the shared fantasy of Rigin and I will not distract you too much. (Oh, and bacon bits – lots of bacon bits for that potato…)

Lorena: Winsome wench works wonders in window

If Lorena wasn’t a girl, the pink bows and lace would make her look gay. Other than that she’s a great looking model with fantafarific boobies, and she has one of those sly smiles that embiggens the soul – or maybe just the crotch.