This is no small problem, mind you. Dennis Cash from Montana State University writes “A hay fire isn’t a minor incident. It can damage property and threaten life.” In an article titled Hay Fires: Should I Be Concerned?, S. Ray Smith and Jerry Swisher of Virginia Tech answer that question with a resounding you-better-fucking-believe-it. Hay might be charming at the high-school homecoming shindig, but it’s a million times more likely to burn everyone alive in the gym than that girl you ridiculed and dumped pig’s blood on. Considering how much hay there is in this world, if all of it is not monitored closely we may theoretically all be burned alive by the earth spontaneously combusting due to improper hay storage.

This is why I feel so sad for Lorena who poses nude next to a large, dangerous pile of hay. It seems she’s unaware that by leaning against the hay she might cause that whole mass of semi-dried vegetation to go up in a hell storm of fire. In the Virginia Tech article, we find a safety precaution to “…not attempt to walk on the hay mass itself. Always tie a rope around your waist and have a second person on the other end in a safe location to pull you out should the surface of the hay collapse into a fire pocket,” and I don’t see Lorena following this sage advice. I’m sure she got out fine this time, but she should consider herself lucky. The next time she goes rolling around nude on a stack of hay she might find herself in a hell worse than anything Dante and Milton thought up combined. In fact, I urge everyone, Lorena included, if you go diving into a haystack nude, be sure to practice safety and do it with a friend who can pull you to safety. The life you save might be your own.

I think the connection we are supposed to make is that melons are slang for tits, which is slang for boobies, which is slang for breasts. The clever thing is that they’ve sliced open the metaphorical breasts and found that it’s pink and juicy on the inside, much like a good piece of roast beef or even a vagina. So what we get is sweet, naked Armida holding a representation of her feminity – and devouring it. I suppose it’s sexy, but I would have opted for a seedless melon.